My Peculiar Problem

I have this peculiar problem that often puts me to an awkward situation. There are moments when my emotions betray me completely, they deny to behave in a manner they are expected to.

Vidai is an important part of an Indian marriage ceremony. An occasion of mixed feelings. There is happiness as the bride is stepping into a new life and there is also pain and bitterness as she is leaving her home. A highly emotional moment as the bride’s family and friends bid her a teary farewell. At this delicate moment everyone gets carried away with the emotions and tears are bound to come witnessing the parting scene.

Here comes my problem. While most of the people get into the weeping mood at Vidai scene my tears defy this rule every time I experience such a tearful moment.

It was my sister’s Vidai ceremony. Just like any other bride she was on her weeping mode and accompanying her were other family members and friends. The background music played too was perfect for the sorrowful moment, a sad Vidai song, “Babul ki duaayein leti jaa…”. The scene set was perfect for an emotional outburst. But, somehow it did not succeed to bring tears to my eyes. It was not that I was not sad but it just did not happen. As if seeing so many teary eyes, my tears preferred to stay back and witness the moment rather than become a part of it.

The worst part was the presence of Rana aunty. Well, she managed the two tasks successfully… crying and gauging who cried how much(which later became topic of discussion). Well that was her habit. After every Vidai ceremony she discussed about who cried how much and then gave her verdict too as to who was just accurate in her tear shedding process and whose emotions were mere overdose.

With no tears in my eyes I knew I would have surely made it to her bad books. A girl with no tears on her own sister's marriage, that was unacceptable and bad. So, I kept myself out of her sight.

This is not all… well aware of this problem I always avoided proximity to the bride at the time of Vidai. When I was asked to attend one of my colony friend’s Vidai I preffered to bid her goodbye from distance as I did not want to make a fool of myself with everyone crying and me, her good friend with no tears (as if tears were the sole indicators of pain and grief).

The worst is when I am trying my best to avoid the situation and things just turn against me. This happened on my niece’s Vidai ceremony. It was an emotional moment and everyone was crying. As usual I took the safest position, stood at a distance witnessing the sad moment and feeling really bad (but with dry eyes). But just then as the girl was about to leave one of my relatives saw me standing and started calling me…O goshh.. I was totally stumped. I had no option but to go to the girl.  As she held me tight and cried, I tried consoling her but again I am bad at it. 

Imagine what would have happened on my Vidai. Well mine was an arranged marriage and it was fixed within a very short time of just 20 days. So I didnt had much time to think about anything. Though there was turmoil of emotions within me, I smiled throughout the wedding day (except for few moments).  Looking at my smiling face one of my sister’s friend came up to me as if to share something important. 

She whispered into my ears about her Vidai secret. She told me how she too was unable to cry on her Vidai and had to put on an act that was planned and supported by her brother. She was suggesting that if I don’t get the tears I too can try out the trick. But I knew this was not of any help because I was bad at pretending things.

Finally all the rituals came to an end and it was Vidai time.  Sad and confused, well that was my mental status. I was asked to meet everyone before leaving. The first person who came to embrace me was one of my aunts (with whom I hardly shared any bond). She was in tears. I did not know how to react but then suddenly the situation got tensed. My husband's family asked to expedite the process. They were getting late and they had to catch the train. So, I was hurried to the car with no time given to meet all. This time as my parents escorted me to the car, tears filled my eyes. I felt a deep pain that made me cry. Finally, there was  a Vidai moment that made me cry naturally and uncontrollably.